Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (2012)

3/5

Unfortunately, the final piece of this five part saga was significantly better than I hoped and anticipated. I say unfortunately because it would be much easier to just malign the whole series and dismiss it as a silly tween's simple-minded fantasy. But this movie is better than all the previous ones. For one reason and one reason alone. There is an epic fight sequence at the finale. And instead of being a pastiche of piss-poor special effects you might find in original SyFy movies like Sharktopus (as I initially expected), it turned out to be a well-coordinated, well-shot, surprisingly visceral and white-knuckle experience. Seriously, the action was better than some blockbuster superhero movies I've seen recently (i.e., The Dark Knight Rises).

Now, don't confuse my meaning. I am not suggesting that the movie is good. It's not. Everything before the battle sequence is about what I expected from the previous four films. The majority of that first hour could probably have been condensed into a 3-minute montage. There is barely any plot advancement or character development (although I guess that's not something to be expected from this series). It felt like the ending of The Lord of the Rings, a collection of thirteen disparate loose ends that the movie was working on tying up in standalone scenes instead of integrating them into a broader context.

That is to say nothing of the story itself, which is simply laughable. It turns out that vampires are actually X-Men with sharp teeth, because they all seem to have special mutant powers. And apparently the only way to kill a vampire is by ripping off its head and setting it on fire. Who knew? (Who knew also that that kind of stuff was PG-13?) Also, inexplicably, they decided to use a CGI baby in a number of scenes instead of a real baby. Not for the baby to do anything special--just to be a baby. But I guess that's the whole Twilight series: a bizarre, out-of-body experience that is totally unnecessary and bordering on offensive.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1673434/

Breaking Dawn: Part 1 (2011)

1/5

Wow. And I thought the first two were bad (I thankfully "missed out" on the third one). This movie goes over the intricacies and technicalities of vampire weddings, vampire pregnancies, and vampire babies in excruciating, explicit, unexpectedly graphic detail. Quite frankly, the sex scenes and the birthing scenes were truly disturbing affairs that I wish I could unwatch. Everything about this movie is staged, written, and stilted, much like Sharktopus and other B movies. It felt like everyone was putting on a performance for the camera, and nothing about this (admittedly preposterous) fantasy felt believable in any way. The technical aspects were just as laughable as before, with horrendous pacing, poor special effects, and uninspired action. Oh, and very awkward intimacy (with some neonatophilia). Ultimately, I think my biggest frustration is that nothing actually happens during this movie until it actually ends. It's all a bunch of angry outbursts without any climax, without any substance. This isn't just a bad movie; it's an infuriating one. Watch at your own risk.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1324999/

Twilight (2008)

2/5

Twilight is a terrible movie. It is about an awkward high school girl who meets an equally awkward high school vampire (despite the fact that he's been around for 200 years or so) and the heroin-like obsessive love they develop for each other. You would think that after two centuries of existence, he would be less socially inept (and would've found someone else!), but you would be wrong. So after postulating that he's a vampire based on visual experience and an ancient tome, I can see how a silly girl might believe that to be the case. But isn't it far more likely that she's experiencing hallucinations or delirium? Maybe she should have checked herself into a mental institution. (Also, I may not have a great memory, but I'm pretty sure high school was never that awkward and weird. Granted, we did not have vampires in our class, as far as I know.)

The romance aspect was clearly unhealthy, with flat, uninspired pairings of flat, uninspired characters. The acting was monotonous, the directing was bland, the music was forgettable (except the Radiohead song they played during the end credits). There wasn't even any vampire action to speak of, just a lot of simple audiovisual special effects. Lots of unconvincing whooshes and time lag filters. The only thing that stood out was the rest of the high school class (the non-vampires), although their storyline quickly fell to the wayside about halfway through the movie. All in all, this is an unsurprisingly unimpressive preteen movie.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1099212/