New Year's Eve (2011)

2/5

New Year's Eve is the bland, uninspired follow-up to Garry Marshall's mediocre Valentine's Day. There is no story to speak of. There are instead about a dozen trite, overused blueprints of ideas that are empty and meaningless. They are all instead vehicles for the two dozen stars to be themselves on camera and try to make money without doing any acting whatsoever. The movie over-relies on archetypes, movie tropes, and celebrity status. Lea Michele sings. Jon Bon Jovi sings. Robert De Niro plays a gruff old guy with regret. And Sofia Vergara plays a sexy lady with an accent. It's the same thing we've seen over and over again. (And Sofia Vergara was significantly funnier on Conan than in this movie.)

The best thing about this movie is the Zac Efron and Michelle Pfeiffer storyline. It had cutesy charm, much more than I expected. But even their portion of the movie lacked motivation and backstory. The other thing I liked about it is a line Josh Duhamel says (although he is in fact just quoting his dead father, and it seems to come out of nowhere): "What would you do today if you knew you wouldn't fail? Now go out and do it." Despite all the ridiculous star power in this movie, it holds no power and deserves only two stars. Avoid.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1598822/

No Strings Attached (2011)

2/5

No Strings Attached is a "romantic comedy" about two friends attempting to be friends with benefits (or actually friends with only one benefit, namely sexual intercourse). I put romantic comedy in quotes because you would be hard-pressed to find any romance in this film and the comedic elements fall flat about as frequently as they succeed. Natalie Portman plays a weird girl who is uncomfortable with intimacy; throughout the entire film we never get a sense of why she is the way she is. Ashton Kutcher plays the same character he has played for the past 10 years in romantic comedies, and there was nothing new or unique about it the first time we saw it. As for the plot, it progresses predictably into disaster when one party wants more than just sex. Whatever will they do.

Movies like No Strings Attached really frustrate me. It's not the quality of the movie that I find irritating, but the fact that it has so much potential that it chooses to throw away on cheap jokes and superficial meaning. Natalie Portman is incredible in this movie; she gives her character as much depth and warmth as possible, but the character is just written so shallowly that her talent is wasted. Half of the jokes are hilarious, but the other half you could practically hear crickets chirp in the theater. It was painful how bad they were and I actually felt embarrassed for the movie. The relationship between the two main characters is absent until the ending (maybe I'm just being naive, but I thought you had to be friends before you could be friends with benefits). The movie itself is okay, and there are plenty of laughs (more than any Will Ferrell or Ben Stiller comedy that I've seen), but it just feels like a half a movie. I can't recommend it in good conscience.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1411238/

Killers (2010)

2/5

Killers is such a stupid movie. When I first saw the trailer, I thought that it might be cool. As time went on and reviews came out, I got less and less excited for it. If I had just waited for my interest to dwindle to nothing, I might have spared myself from watching this stupid movie. It follows the awkward relationship that develops between awkward CIA agent Spencer (Kutcher) and awkward computer nerd Jen (Heigl) after awkwardly bumping into each other in France. Spencer is there to kill someone while Jen is there vacationing with her alcoholic mother (O'Hara) and overbearing father (Selleck). They get married and, several years later, Spencer discovers that a bounty has been placed on his head. All of his neighbors start attacking him with machine guns and kitchen knives like something out of Hot Fuzz, only bad. There are also a few side stories that are worthless and a final "twist" that would have been obvious if it made any sense.

Now that you know how stupid the plot is, I can tell you how stupid the rest of the movie is. The characters just don't work. At all. None of them. The two leads have absolutely no chemistry together; it's like they're talking cardboard cutouts. There was no passion, even in their arguments. There's very little romance and there's very little comedy (although the movie as a whole does provide some moments to laugh at, like the alcoholic mother, before you come to the depressing realization that alcoholism has become a punchline). The pacing is atrocious and the special effects are terrible. The gunfights and car chases failed to keep my attention (although the hand-to-hand combat was actually not bad). It's not the worst movie in the world, but I would seriously ask anybody who was intrigued by the trailer to just step away and let this one go. (The only reason it is not 1 star is that it didn't offend me in any way.)

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1103153/

What Happens in Vegas (2008)

2/5

What Happens in Vegas should have stayed in Vegas instead of being made into a movie. The plot follows Jack Fuller (Kutcher) and Joy McNally (Diaz) who get hitched in a drunken stupor after respectively being fired by his father and dumped by her fiance. They decide the marriage was a mistake and agree to get a divorce. As they are bitterly parting ways, Jack takes Joy's last token and plays the slot machine and wins 3 million dollars. They both feel entitled to the money, but the judge in the divorce hearings sentences them to 6 months of attempting a real marriage before he releases the funds to either one of them. They soon realize that they don't have to fake trying to be married to each other as long as they make it seem as if the other person isn't trying (e.g., by tempting them with attractive sexpots and/or Zach Galafianakis of The Hangover fame).

The directing in this movie is atrocious, as is every other aspect one might look for in a respectful movie. The only redeeming quality about this movie is the acting by Diaz and Kutcher after about the one hour mark. Before the one hour mark, their characters are despicable lowlifes and the jokes/pranks they play on each other are equally mean and petty. Once they start developing a real connection to each other is when we finally see some depth and honesty in their roles. It really is a pretty remarkable transformation. The leads' sassy best friends (Bell and Corddry) are pretty engaging and humorous throughout the film, however. They were the only things keeping us from turning the movie off after ten minutes and throwing the disc into my brand new shredder. If you give this movie a chance and find that you've made it through an hour of this film, you will be pleasantly surprised by a heartfelt ending (followed by an awesome punch in the balls). But avoid it if you can.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1033643/

Guess Who (2005)

3/5

Guess Who is a light, fun romantic comedy that provides solid entertainment for an hour and a half. It tells the story of a white boyfriend (Kutcher) who visits the parents (Mac, Scott) of his black girlfriend (Saldana) during their renewing of vows. Of course, the dad is giving the boy a hard time. And of course, things go wrong. The girlfriend is mad that he didn't tell her he quit his job, the boyfriend is mad that she didn't tell her parents he was white, the mother is mad at the father, and on and on and on. And so, instead of announcing their secret engagement, the young couple breaks up (oh no!). The movie throws a few curveballs your way (e.g., his reason for quitting his job), but is otherwise fairly predictable. The writing is simple but funny. The scripted characters felt shallow at first glance, but the acting filled them with honesty and heart. Bernie Mac is funny as always and Kutcher is charming as always. All in all, Guess Who is an expected 90 minutes of simple pleasure with cute couples and a tender family dynamic.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0372237/

Valentine's Day (2010)

3/5

Uhh, I have no idea why Valentine's Day has been getting such terrible reviews, but it is utterly undeserving of such negativity. It was a fine romantic comedy, equal parts predictable (Kutcher and Garner) and equal parts unpredictable (Cooper and Roberts). It had cliches, but it also had surprises. (Perhaps the biggest surprise is that Ashton Kutcher plays a charismatic hero with aplomb and sympathy.) And it made me laugh and smile, which is exactly what it set out to do.

The plot is too complicated to type out here (or maybe I just don't remember all the details), but that doesn't really matter. Just know that it's about a bunch of men and women who get into and out of relationships on Valentine's Day. The technical aspects are nothing to write home about. The characters were simple but the acting was good. Some of the stories were not as good as some of the others, but the ones that were good were very good. There was some repetition and it felt just a tad too long, but all in all it was a solid romantic comedy. Watch this movie if you're interested in it; I don't think you'll be disappointed.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0817230/

A Lot Like Love (2005)

3/5

A Lot Like Love is a pleasant way to spend an afternoon in. The plot follows Ashton Kutcher (in a role that showed his charm and charisma) and Amanda Peet in a series of fortuitously romantic run-ins spread out across 7 years that eventually blossom into something resembling love. The movie plays out more like a series of moments in time--a few slices of life, if you will--than a continuous story. I find it much more bold and interesting a movie given that it takes that risk; it doesn't tell its story in the safer, conventional manner that plagues average movies. Here, each character matures and changes without overt explanation. We are simply to assume that life has changed them, in the way that life changes people. There are some stale cinematography, some odd editing decisions, but all in all the movie is sweet and unassuming. The fact that it is exactly what you predict it to be makes no difference. No, this romantic comedy is not the movie to change your mind about romantic comedies. But I am beginning to think that the goal of many romantic comedies is not to change your mind about the genre, but rather just to serve as a pleasant way to spend an afternoon in.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0391304/