Movie 43 (2013)

1/5

Movie 43 is an abomination of filmmaking. It is an offensive assault on the senses for 90 straight minutes. This thing--which I refuse to call a movie--is a collection of unrelated images and scenarios designed to disgust and disturb. It is the kind of thing created for reaction videos, with no inherent value. From neck testicles to cartoon cat masturbation fantasies, from parental abuse and incest to graphic leprechaun violence, from gratuitous nudity to yellowface surgery, there is no line it won't cross. I'm disappointed that so many quality actors have sullied their names by taking part in this evil transgression of cinema, this shameful plague of a thing. It makes me shudder just thinking about it. Ugh.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1333125/

New Year's Eve (2011)

2/5

New Year's Eve is the bland, uninspired follow-up to Garry Marshall's mediocre Valentine's Day. There is no story to speak of. There are instead about a dozen trite, overused blueprints of ideas that are empty and meaningless. They are all instead vehicles for the two dozen stars to be themselves on camera and try to make money without doing any acting whatsoever. The movie over-relies on archetypes, movie tropes, and celebrity status. Lea Michele sings. Jon Bon Jovi sings. Robert De Niro plays a gruff old guy with regret. And Sofia Vergara plays a sexy lady with an accent. It's the same thing we've seen over and over again. (And Sofia Vergara was significantly funnier on Conan than in this movie.)

The best thing about this movie is the Zac Efron and Michelle Pfeiffer storyline. It had cutesy charm, much more than I expected. But even their portion of the movie lacked motivation and backstory. The other thing I liked about it is a line Josh Duhamel says (although he is in fact just quoting his dead father, and it seems to come out of nowhere): "What would you do today if you knew you wouldn't fail? Now go out and do it." Despite all the ridiculous star power in this movie, it holds no power and deserves only two stars. Avoid.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1598822/

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)

3/5

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a movie that is missing a lot, most notably the word "Side" in the title. It is also missing believable characters and believable dialogue. It tries to make up for it with sexy girls and 3D special effects, and it does a surprisingly good job of doing just that. The plot is, like the first two, about humans and Autobots against Decepticons, except this time it takes place in DC and Chicago. And that is the only reason I saw this movie. The Chicago scenes are amazing. It was like Source Code but reversed: I loved seeing all the buildings I was familiar with get attacked, burning to the ground with smoke wafting out the side. (I have no idea why that brings me joy.)

As for the rest of the movie, it plays like the prior two with only a modicum of improvements while retaining its numerous problems. It was still difficult to follow the robot characters and what exactly was going on in between things being blown up. The action sequences are fairly minimal and don't really keep the tension up. There is no climax and no final battle to speak of. Michael Bay tries to pull a little Forrest Gump CGI magic involving old footage of presidents, only it feels way too strained and unnatural. I thought the first half was a lot better than the second half, even though the second half has the bonus of being set in Chicago. Another positive is that the movie is hilarious, with stand-out performances by Ken Jeong, Alan Tudyk, and John Turturro. Overall, an enjoyable popcorn flick that will delight all the Chicagoans who got to see it being filmed here last year. And to everyone else: if you've seen the other two, you know exactly what you're getting into with this one.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1399103/

Life As We Know It (2010)

4/5

Life As We Know It is a tender, heartfelt romantic comedy that hits all the right notes. When Peter (MacArthur) and Alison (Hendricks) Novack die in a car accident, their two best friends are given guardianship of their 1-year-old daughter, Sophie. Holly (Heigl) is a driven, organized entrepreneur and chef; she is taking out construction loans to expand her pastry shop into a full-out restaurant. Messer (Duhamel) is a suave womanizer living the life every guy dreams of: he watches basketball games for a living and gets free dinner and drinks from women who want to sleep with him. Out of their love for their friends and the child, they accept. But fitting into their roles as Sophie's parents is much more difficult than they anticipated.

The acting in this movie is superb. Duhamel was the best part about When In Rome, and he's the best part about Life As We Know It too. He has charm and wit, but lacks the sleaze you'd associate with someone who supposedly sleeps around with every woman he can find. One of the negatives about this movie is that I just didn't find him convincing as Messer. He somehow changed the character into someone likable and sympathetic. I doubt that the person on screen was the same person scripted. Luckily, Heigl is his match, revealing an understated but explosive personality. She is not what you'd expect, given her professional, work-obsessed appearance and relative lack of a personal life. Yes, she wants a family, but she wants it on her terms, not thrust on her like this.

I spent a paragraph describing the characters because characters are what make a movie like this successful, endearing, and memorable. They are imbued with humor and played with honest emotion. Their intricacies and complexities are precisely brought to life on screen. The rest of the technical details like dull cinematography and subpar editing just fall by the wayside when you see this movie. No, I didn't laugh as much in this movie as I did in Going the Distance, but this one did pull at the heartstrings a little bit more. This may not be the movie for everyone, but you'd have to have a heart of stone not to be moved by some of the scenes in this movie.

Note: There is a crucial scene near the climax/finale dealing with a phone call. The phone that rings is an original Sprint Palm Pre with all original webOS UI, and I don't think I have ever been so excited to see anything or anyone in a movie in my life. I literally jumped out of my seat and started hitting my girlfriend's arm to get her attention as I giggled like a little schoolgirl. I have no idea why. I also noticed that my favorite Parker Jotter pen and Oxo mug made cameos, which was pretty cool as well.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1055292/

When In Rome (2010)

3/5

When In Rome is a silly little movie with a lot of heart and charm. The plot is outrageously dumb: Beth (Bell) steals five coins from a fountain in Italy and a spell is placed on the five people who threw their coins in looking for love. One is an artist (Arnett), one is a sausage businessman (DeVito), one is a magician (Heder), and one is a male model (Shepard). "But wait!" you say, "That's only four!" You are correct. Incidentally, Nick (Duhamel) is also in love with her, and Beth must figure out if it's because of true love or if it's because the fifth coin was his and he is merely under the spell.

Yes, I know, it is preposterous and corny, but it gets an A for effort. You see these men attempt to win her over with the most desperate and sad displays of affection. They try and try and try to please her but to no avail. And once you get past the buffoonery and circus-like lunacy, you find a smile somehow crept its way up onto your face. I don't know how it does this, because the writing is terrible, but the actors put so much of themselves into their ridiculous roles that you just have to love it. Some parts of the story started out blunt and obvious (e.g., Beth's love of her job over personal relationships), but further into the movie it became surprisingly subtle and nuanced. But by far the most surprising thing about this movie for me was how charismatic Duhamel turned out to be. It's easy to see why he's starring in all these romantic comedies nowadays. You don't have to watch this movie (but feel free if it sounds like your kind of movie), but you should definitely keep an eye out for Duhamel.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1185416/

Ramona and Beezus (2010)

4/5

Ramona and Beezus is an absolutely delightful film. The movie follows the Quimby family during a particularly troublesome time in their life. The father (Corbett) loses his job after taking out a loan for a home expansion project, the mother (Moynahan) must now return to part-time employment, the older sister Beezus (Gomez) faces difficulties with her love life, and Ramona (King) is just trying to stay afloat with school and family. Everything wraps up more than perfectly in this super saccharine family movie.

The filmmaking is fairly standard, but there are some magical scenes that reveal Ramona's creative imagination. The sequences look like a mix between stop-motion and construction paper cutouts, and it's precisely the manner in which I believe Ramona daydreams. They were without a doubt the most memorable cinematic qualities of the movie. The acting is the other strong aspect of the film. Joey King is the most adorable child actress in recent memory; her entire face lights up with joy and scrunches down when pouting. You find yourself really caring for her and her overexaggerated worries, even though she's going through simple elementary school stuff. She makes the movie as enjoyable as it is and she is the reason that I highly recommend this movie.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0493949/

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

3/5

Michael Bay's Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a spectacular piece of entertainment. That is to say, it's an entertaining spectacle. Because I had heard bad things from many people, I went in with lowered expectations. And those lowered expectations were far exceeded. This movie is better than the original in just about every facet. It's funnier, it's more exciting, and you can actually tell what's going on in the fight scenes. Oh, and Megan Fox was hotter. Even the dialogue and acting was surprisingly good, especially compared to the original. The parents were just as funny if not funnier and John Turturro's character was awesome instead of boring and dumb. And I absolutely loved the cameo by Rainn Wilson.

As for the rest of the movie, there's not much to say. The plot is unimportant and probably filled with holes, so I won't waste any time on it here. Suffice it to say, there are transforming robots fighting other transforming robots to save Earth and all of humanity. Unfortunately, the robots are still as ugly as before, except now they combine with each other to form bigger transforming robots, like the Power Rangers on crack. Even at 2.5 hours, it doesn't nearly feel as overlong as the first one. All in all, it'll satisfy your summer need to see crude humor, hot chicks, and explosive action, but don't expect much more than that.

IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1055369/